Figure drawing

My drawing was a mess last night--I ended up starting over completely halfway through :/  I kinda wanted to just bolt outta there and curl up on the couch and binge watch some Netflix or something (cause I'm sure that would have made me feel better :P). 

I'm not a person who likes to do things halfway. If I'm going to do it, I want to do it well. And with art, that is something that is just not easily achieved. What IS easy to do is lose patience. The end goal seems so far out of reach. I'm not really even sure what the end goal is at this point, but it isn't low-hanging fruit. 

I DO know I'm not going to be happy adopting some kitschy process that would appeal to a certain set, and churn out a bunch of paintings that are small variations on the same theme of kitschyness. If I'm going to paint, I want to do it well, and to me, that means having the ability to accurately represent reality so that I have the know-how to abstract or manipulate it if I want to (not just due to inability or some uniform process I've come up with that seems stylistically unique or whatever). Maybe that doesn't make sense, but it does to me. I guess if I'm going to paint, I want to do it in a manner that isn't just a fad.

About five years ago, my husband and I watched "The Bucket List" and he asked me what was on my bucket list. I said I wanted to have a painting hanging in a museum. At that time, I wasn't painting!! I mean, maybe once or twice a year! It seemed so ridiculous. But it was absolutely sincere, and the first thing that came to mind.

So, maybe I just need to take a break for a few days and let my creative energy take a rest. I'm sure I'll be all gung-ho about it again in a few days. Please excuse my emotional ranting while I go make some oatmeal for my babies and try to forget about all this for a while.